Being a Youth Champ for Mental Health (+ an extra tidbit)

This past year has been quite a blast for me. Being a part of the group that met and talked things over about creating a group focusing on Mental Health and Youth was a real golden opportunity. I had never heard of any group at all that was interested on the issues of Young people and their mental health. The Youth Champs for Mental Health have truly changed my life. They’ve changed my perspective on issues of mental health and suicide. The work has opened my eyes to see how limited and underappreciated the mental health services are in Fiji.

I believe that everyone has a story to tell that deals on an issue of mental health, most especially me. Here’s my story…

All my life, I grew up knowing and feeling different. From even before I was born, I was unwanted by my mother (she confessed this to me) and so everyday in each passing year, for everything that went wrong in the house, I was the scapegoat. My brothers picked up on my mother’s treatment on me and they heaped even more trouble on my head. You may look at me and think that I’m extroverted, but I’m not – I’m really an introvert. Growing up, I spent a lot of time piling things up within me and never releasing that stress. I would always take the pain in and never let it go. Sometimes I’d just cry myself to sleep, forcing my face into the pillow so that no one heard my pain. Being effeminate the treatment I received from my brothers became worse and as always I’d just take it all in and hide everything behind a mask of smiles and laughter.

This continued for 18 years until I was in Form Six and i just snapped. I remember getting up from bed in the middle of the night and going into the kitchen. I pulled out a cutting knife from the drawer and tried to draw up the will to slash my wrists or stab myself in the guts. It was at that moment that I had an almost out-of-body experience. A voice went off in my head saying to me “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS ISN’T THE WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS”. I was so scared and put the knife away, ran into my bedroom and cried into my pillow yet again.

Two days after that experience, I was taken by my mother to an uncle for prayers (for my future) and in that session, all these feelings and thoughts just spilt out. I had literally scared my mother out of her wits. She never realised that what she was doing to me all those years as a kid would lead me wanting to take my life. She confessed to me that getting pregnant with me was the last thing she wanted and from that moment she hated me and took the frustration and pain of life out on me. We both cried and reconciled ourselves there at that point.

From that day onwards, things slowly changed for me at home. I was slowly accepted and life became easier. The only problem is that keeping things bottled inside me had become a habit of mine and it’s something I still battle with to this day.

Since joining YC4MH, I’ve come to know a group of friends who share my experiences and pains. They know and understand me, accept me for who I am and not pass judgments on my personality. I’ve got people I can trust to share my problems with and they know that they can do the same with me. My personal capacity building is just underway and I want to use my experiences to let other young people know that it’s ok to speak out about their feelings and not be ashamed to say that they’re feeling depressed or stressed out.

I thank Tiri and the guys from PCDF for their initiative and foresight to creating a group that’s truly amazing as this. I look forward to this year and what it has for us and I’m willing to embrace whatever life throws at me coz I know that there’s always someone I can lean on in the tough times.

Sailosi Toganivalu