My Story - Gary Rounds

I was a very energetic and out-going person. I went to Marist Brothers’ High School took part in Athletics, Basketball, Chess, IQ Active, Radio Quiz and Mathematics teams. I also held a couple of form captain and student council positions as well as being a School Prefect. I had countless friends and having fun was never excluded from my ‘to-do list.’ I was living life to the fullest. However, unexpected situational changes got the better of me and I was on the verge of being self-destructive.

I was working for Fiji TV as a News reporter after completing high school and like any young person who had managed to land a job fresh out from school, life for me couldn't be more ideal than what it was. After Fiji TV, I left and joined ANZ Bank as a teller. Unfortunately, by this time there were quite a few things that were plaguing my mind.

My surrogate mothers’ demise in 2004 dealt me a massive blow because apart from losing her, I was also dealing with a relationship break-up and having tons of negative thoughts. Without knowing it, I fell into acute depression and I tried to brush it all aside the best way I knew how – by binge drinking and indulging in marijuana. This was coupled with the lack of self worth, hope, faith and hygiene and I began to isolate myself. I thought to myself that if I was ‘wasted’ with alcohol and drugs, these thoughts and feelings would all go away and never bother me again.

I wallowed in self pity and at one point, stayed inside the house for a whole month – just contemplating what had happened in my life. My past was keeping me hostage and I was unable to move forward. I didn’t sleep for four days and when I went to work I just couldn't function. By this time, I was based at the ANZ USP Branch, my manager urged me to seek help. So with the help of the HR manager, I went to visit a psychologist.

This psychologist diagnosed me with Major Depression – a mental illness!!!!!! When I heard the term ‘mental illness’ I suddenly thought of how people would approach, socialize with or even judge me. Unfortunately, judgment by society got to me the most and it fed more to this huge cloud of depression, which hung over my head. I was prescribed Zoloft and Diazepam (tranquilizer and anti-depressant).

My depression was like a tumor growing exponentially in me and because I was so tired of being in a pandemonium I attempted suicide. I overdosed myself with the prescription hoping that when I close my eyes, they would never open again. I literally slept through New Years Day, 2006.

This is the poem that I recited during the Poetry Slam Contest APRIL 4th, 2008enjoy.... it portrays my suicidal attempt and how that affected my life completely

the unfortunate day, i remember
the sharp carving knife, i remember
over the veins of my wrist, i remember
i try to slit but i can't, i remember

i close my eyes, i remember
memories pleasant, memories regretted, i remember
pandemonium in my mind, HAVOC ! ! ! i remember
i begin to scream AHHH ! ! ! AHHH ! ! ! i remember
i cannot forget
...the tears
... ...the mucus
... ... ...the saliva
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dripping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dropping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...drooling

i jerk my head from side to side, i remember
death has his hands on my back
transferring his wiles into me, i remember
I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKEN SHIT ANY MORE ! ! ! i remember

diazepam, zoloft in my hand, i remember
bottoms up, down they go, i remember
i lay on my bed, i close my eyes, i remember
praying they never ever open, i remember

three days pass, i remember
i awake, i remember
hands over my face, i begin to cry... ... ...

i'll never forget

Fortunately, I awoke three days later. I was absent from work for weeks and my manager persuaded me to revisit the psychologist. The psychologist made me realize I couldn’t trust myself with my own life. He recommended I be institutionalized.

I never thought in my wildest dream that I would be admitted in St. Giles Hospital. However, looking back, I know that it was the best thing that happened to me for my own good. It took over three months of recovery – occupational therapy, confidence boosting with the help of staff, fellow patients, family and friends. With their support, I realized there was still hope for me in becoming an active member of society again. I was discharged in the beginning of April, 2006.

Unfortunately, I relapsed a year later. I began smoking marijuana and binge drinking and not looking after myself. After my second admission to Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in February, 2007, I left ANZ completely and stayed with a cousin of mine. I was so depressed and paranoid that I stayed home for the better bit of 6 months.


this poem is based on the constant battle that i'm in with regards to my mind...
the poem was recited back friday 13th June, 2008 @ AUSAID Building, Theatre Space, USP Campus during the Poetry Slam Contest

our only hope is that you take heed of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

contemplate on this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

revise this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

be advocates of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

spread the gospel of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

you uneducated, unsympathetic, hypocritical definition
of me and other's like me are:
crazy, wacko, psycho, lialia*, pagla*,
nut, mental, ulukau*, etc, etc

but we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

today, tonight,
we're gonna expose;
..................remove;
..................annihilate;
......this stigma,
......this facade,
......this deception,
..........that perpetuates the discrimination
..........& stereotype definitions

and we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

i'm no doctor;
i'm no psychologist;
i'm no psychiatrist;
i just the voice of another psychiatric survivor shouting

we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !

having crossed to the other side and back,
i now appreciate & acknowledge
...................my mental illness
...................my mental health
...................my sanity

and i'm gonna keep on walking ! ! !

there was this one time, i stayed home for 6 whole months
i was of the thought that people, once they saw me,
...........they'd start gossiping about me
...........spread rumors about me;
...........spread lies about me;
...........laugh about me;
...........laugh at me;
...........tease me;
...........be out to get me;

i was having a static moment
and i couldn't move because of this stigma
..........this mark of shame ! ! !
..........this scarlet letter ! ! !
..........this mark of cain ! ! !

my past was keeping me hostage from my future;
and i couldn't face those challenges in life

but then one day
................one day ! ! !
................one day ! ! !
................and on that day ! ! !
i stepped out of my comfort zone into,
once know,
the world unknown

......and i went for a walk ! ! !

i had to face my enemy;
my enemy is my mind;
and the battlefield is my mind

......so i kept on walking ! ! !

nokonoko rd, jerusalem rd, fletcher rd,
drivers, passengers, all eyes on me
.....but i kept on walking ! ! !

thru bhindi subdivision, grantham rd,
up, down, up milverton rd,
why are you looking at me? stop staring at me
....but i kept on walking ! ! !

rewa st, flagstaff, laucala bay rd,
the odd look, the persevering stare,
the pregnant pause glimpse,
....but i kept on walking ! ! !

and for the first time in my life
i walked from one end of fletcher road to the other
.... and i kept on walking ! ! !

jerusalem rd and all the way home
....i kept on walking ! ! !

and to this very day i am still walking ! ! !

standing here before all of you tonight
....i am still walking ! ! !

yes, i'm a prisoner of my own mind
but my words will set me free
and help you see
that those who are mentally challenged are also human,
....who don't need your curses
....who don't need your judgment
....who don't need your verbal gimmicks

....but they need your acceptance
....they need your love
....and they need your support

i know you have a loved onew
ho is mentally impaired
....who are fringed
....who are shunned
....who are mocked
....who are disrespected
....who are discredited

our only hope is that you take heed of this message

WE ARE GONNA KEEP ON WALKING ! ! !


[*local vernacular terms/gimmicks]


The stigma associated with St. Giles was a huge obstacle I had to overcome. It was a challenging factor in my life. The poem above is obviously about how I found a way both to defeat my depressive and paranoid state and at the same time advocate mental health and let people know that all mental health consumers are not aliens or untouchables. The stigma of mental illnesses results in stereotyping and discrimination. There are members of society who create a barrier of discrimination when they meet or hear of anyone associated with St. Giles.

It’s a sad truth – it needs to be tackled.

I have always had a love for poetry since my days in high school. I figured poetry would be and is an essential medium by which to articulate the message, advocate and reduce the stigma associated with mental health. I take every opportunity to participate in poetry slam contests and take advantage of being under the spotlight and recite my poems which are based on my experiences as well as the journey I’m now taking.

After my first discharge from Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in April 2006, I have had the opportunity be part of a documentary that was produced by a friend and co-worker of mine at FIJI TV. The documentary was based on suicide and how it affects everyone both at the grassroots and national level. Twice, I was honored to have talked about my experience to a senate-select committee for mental health, chaired by the then Speaker of the House of Representatives Pita Nacuva.


I am also honored to be involved in a group of young, energetic, innovative, dedicated and passionate youth who call themselves “YOUTH CHAMPS FOR MENTAL HEALTH” (YC4MH) which was formed on July 1st, 2008.

YC4MH has recognized the need to advocate for positive mental health for youths in particular and have taken on the challenge of addressing this issue and working together with stakeholders in shaping mental health awareness in the country. We are now working on projects on how we can best create more awareness on Mental Health

The ball is in our court. The ball is rolling and YC4MH is excited and determined to keep the ball rolling and come out full force. We’re here to work and walk towards our vision, complete our mission and fulfill our purpose.



….and that’s a wrap from “…an ego-centric, limelight wannabe, paranoid schizoid mental health consumer"


Name: Gary Karl Charles Rounds
Age: 24

Suva, FIJI

President
Youth Champs for Mental Health
Ph: (679) 3398335
Mb: (679) 9516941

e-mail: groundsique@hotmail.com
website: http://www.bebo.com/groundsique