This past year has been quite a blast for me. Being a part of the group that met and talked things over about creating a group focusing on Mental Health and Youth was a real golden opportunity. I had never heard of any group at all that was interested on the issues of Young people and their mental health. The Youth Champs for Mental Health have truly changed my life. They’ve changed my perspective on issues of mental health and suicide. The work has opened my eyes to see how limited and underappreciated the mental health services are in Fiji.
I believe that everyone has a story to tell that deals on an issue of mental health, most especially me. Here’s my story…
All my life, I grew up knowing and feeling different. From even before I was born, I was unwanted by my mother (she confessed this to me) and so everyday in each passing year, for everything that went wrong in the house, I was the scapegoat. My brothers picked up on my mother’s treatment on me and they heaped even more trouble on my head. You may look at me and think that I’m extroverted, but I’m not – I’m really an introvert. Growing up, I spent a lot of time piling things up within me and never releasing that stress. I would always take the pain in and never let it go. Sometimes I’d just cry myself to sleep, forcing my face into the pillow so that no one heard my pain. Being effeminate the treatment I received from my brothers became worse and as always I’d just take it all in and hide everything behind a mask of smiles and laughter.
This continued for 18 years until I was in Form Six and i just snapped. I remember getting up from bed in the middle of the night and going into the kitchen. I pulled out a cutting knife from the drawer and tried to draw up the will to slash my wrists or stab myself in the guts. It was at that moment that I had an almost out-of-body experience. A voice went off in my head saying to me “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS ISN’T THE WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS”. I was so scared and put the knife away, ran into my bedroom and cried into my pillow yet again.
Two days after that experience, I was taken by my mother to an uncle for prayers (for my future) and in that session, all these feelings and thoughts just spilt out. I had literally scared my mother out of her wits. She never realised that what she was doing to me all those years as a kid would lead me wanting to take my life. She confessed to me that getting pregnant with me was the last thing she wanted and from that moment she hated me and took the frustration and pain of life out on me. We both cried and reconciled ourselves there at that point.
From that day onwards, things slowly changed for me at home. I was slowly accepted and life became easier. The only problem is that keeping things bottled inside me had become a habit of mine and it’s something I still battle with to this day.
Since joining YC4MH, I’ve come to know a group of friends who share my experiences and pains. They know and understand me, accept me for who I am and not pass judgments on my personality. I’ve got people I can trust to share my problems with and they know that they can do the same with me. My personal capacity building is just underway and I want to use my experiences to let other young people know that it’s ok to speak out about their feelings and not be ashamed to say that they’re feeling depressed or stressed out.
I thank Tiri and the guys from PCDF for their initiative and foresight to creating a group that’s truly amazing as this. I look forward to this year and what it has for us and I’m willing to embrace whatever life throws at me coz I know that there’s always someone I can lean on in the tough times.
Sailosi Toganivalu
Showing posts with label Personal stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal stories. Show all posts
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My Story - Gary Rounds
I was a very energetic and out-going person. I went to Marist Brothers’ High School took part in Athletics, Basketball, Chess, IQ Active, Radio Quiz and Mathematics teams. I also held a couple of form captain and student council positions as well as being a School Prefect. I had countless friends and having fun was never excluded from my ‘to-do list.’ I was living life to the fullest. However, unexpected situational changes got the better of me and I was on the verge of being self-destructive.
I was working for Fiji TV as a News reporter after completing high school and like any young person who had managed to land a job fresh out from school, life for me couldn't be more ideal than what it was. After Fiji TV, I left and joined ANZ Bank as a teller. Unfortunately, by this time there were quite a few things that were plaguing my mind.
My surrogate mothers’ demise in 2004 dealt me a massive blow because apart from losing her, I was also dealing with a relationship break-up and having tons of negative thoughts. Without knowing it, I fell into acute depression and I tried to brush it all aside the best way I knew how – by binge drinking and indulging in marijuana. This was coupled with the lack of self worth, hope, faith and hygiene and I began to isolate myself. I thought to myself that if I was ‘wasted’ with alcohol and drugs, these thoughts and feelings would all go away and never bother me again.
I wallowed in self pity and at one point, stayed inside the house for a whole month – just contemplating what had happened in my life. My past was keeping me hostage and I was unable to move forward. I didn’t sleep for four days and when I went to work I just couldn't function. By this time, I was based at the ANZ USP Branch, my manager urged me to seek help. So with the help of the HR manager, I went to visit a psychologist.
This psychologist diagnosed me with Major Depression – a mental illness!!!!!! When I heard the term ‘mental illness’ I suddenly thought of how people would approach, socialize with or even judge me. Unfortunately, judgment by society got to me the most and it fed more to this huge cloud of depression, which hung over my head. I was prescribed Zoloft and Diazepam (tranquilizer and anti-depressant).
My depression was like a tumor growing exponentially in me and because I was so tired of being in a pandemonium I attempted suicide. I overdosed myself with the prescription hoping that when I close my eyes, they would never open again. I literally slept through New Years Day, 2006.
This is the poem that I recited during the Poetry Slam Contest APRIL 4th, 2008enjoy.... it portrays my suicidal attempt and how that affected my life completely
the unfortunate day, i remember
the sharp carving knife, i remember
over the veins of my wrist, i remember
i try to slit but i can't, i remember
i close my eyes, i remember
memories pleasant, memories regretted, i remember
pandemonium in my mind, HAVOC ! ! ! i remember
i begin to scream AHHH ! ! ! AHHH ! ! ! i remember
i cannot forget
...the tears
... ...the mucus
... ... ...the saliva
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dripping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dropping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...drooling
i jerk my head from side to side, i remember
death has his hands on my back
transferring his wiles into me, i remember
I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKEN SHIT ANY MORE ! ! ! i remember
diazepam, zoloft in my hand, i remember
bottoms up, down they go, i remember
i lay on my bed, i close my eyes, i remember
praying they never ever open, i remember
three days pass, i remember
i awake, i remember
hands over my face, i begin to cry... ... ...
i'll never forget
Fortunately, I awoke three days later. I was absent from work for weeks and my manager persuaded me to revisit the psychologist. The psychologist made me realize I couldn’t trust myself with my own life. He recommended I be institutionalized.
I never thought in my wildest dream that I would be admitted in St. Giles Hospital. However, looking back, I know that it was the best thing that happened to me for my own good. It took over three months of recovery – occupational therapy, confidence boosting with the help of staff, fellow patients, family and friends. With their support, I realized there was still hope for me in becoming an active member of society again. I was discharged in the beginning of April, 2006.
Unfortunately, I relapsed a year later. I began smoking marijuana and binge drinking and not looking after myself. After my second admission to Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in February, 2007, I left ANZ completely and stayed with a cousin of mine. I was so depressed and paranoid that I stayed home for the better bit of 6 months.
this poem is based on the constant battle that i'm in with regards to my mind...
the poem was recited back friday 13th June, 2008 @ AUSAID Building, Theatre Space, USP Campus during the Poetry Slam Contest
our only hope is that you take heed of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
contemplate on this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
revise this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
be advocates of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
spread the gospel of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
you uneducated, unsympathetic, hypocritical definition
of me and other's like me are:
crazy, wacko, psycho, lialia*, pagla*,
nut, mental, ulukau*, etc, etc
but we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
today, tonight,
we're gonna expose;
..................remove;
..................annihilate;
......this stigma,
......this facade,
......this deception,
..........that perpetuates the discrimination
..........& stereotype definitions
and we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
i'm no doctor;
i'm no psychologist;
i'm no psychiatrist;
i just the voice of another psychiatric survivor shouting
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
having crossed to the other side and back,
i now appreciate & acknowledge
...................my mental illness
...................my mental health
...................my sanity
and i'm gonna keep on walking ! ! !
there was this one time, i stayed home for 6 whole months
i was of the thought that people, once they saw me,
...........they'd start gossiping about me
...........spread rumors about me;
...........spread lies about me;
...........laugh about me;
...........laugh at me;
...........tease me;
...........be out to get me;
i was having a static moment
and i couldn't move because of this stigma
..........this mark of shame ! ! !
..........this scarlet letter ! ! !
..........this mark of cain ! ! !
my past was keeping me hostage from my future;
and i couldn't face those challenges in life
but then one day
................one day ! ! !
................one day ! ! !
................and on that day ! ! !
i stepped out of my comfort zone into,
once know,
the world unknown
......and i went for a walk ! ! !
i had to face my enemy;
my enemy is my mind;
and the battlefield is my mind
......so i kept on walking ! ! !
nokonoko rd, jerusalem rd, fletcher rd,
drivers, passengers, all eyes on me
.....but i kept on walking ! ! !
thru bhindi subdivision, grantham rd,
up, down, up milverton rd,
why are you looking at me? stop staring at me
....but i kept on walking ! ! !
rewa st, flagstaff, laucala bay rd,
the odd look, the persevering stare,
the pregnant pause glimpse,
....but i kept on walking ! ! !
and for the first time in my life
i walked from one end of fletcher road to the other
.... and i kept on walking ! ! !
jerusalem rd and all the way home
....i kept on walking ! ! !
and to this very day i am still walking ! ! !
standing here before all of you tonight
....i am still walking ! ! !
yes, i'm a prisoner of my own mind
but my words will set me free
and help you see
that those who are mentally challenged are also human,
....who don't need your curses
....who don't need your judgment
....who don't need your verbal gimmicks
....but they need your acceptance
....they need your love
....and they need your support
i know you have a loved onew
ho is mentally impaired
....who are fringed
....who are shunned
....who are mocked
....who are disrespected
....who are discredited
our only hope is that you take heed of this message
WE ARE GONNA KEEP ON WALKING ! ! !
[*local vernacular terms/gimmicks]
The stigma associated with St. Giles was a huge obstacle I had to overcome. It was a challenging factor in my life. The poem above is obviously about how I found a way both to defeat my depressive and paranoid state and at the same time advocate mental health and let people know that all mental health consumers are not aliens or untouchables. The stigma of mental illnesses results in stereotyping and discrimination. There are members of society who create a barrier of discrimination when they meet or hear of anyone associated with St. Giles.
It’s a sad truth – it needs to be tackled.
I have always had a love for poetry since my days in high school. I figured poetry would be and is an essential medium by which to articulate the message, advocate and reduce the stigma associated with mental health. I take every opportunity to participate in poetry slam contests and take advantage of being under the spotlight and recite my poems which are based on my experiences as well as the journey I’m now taking.
After my first discharge from Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in April 2006, I have had the opportunity be part of a documentary that was produced by a friend and co-worker of mine at FIJI TV. The documentary was based on suicide and how it affects everyone both at the grassroots and national level. Twice, I was honored to have talked about my experience to a senate-select committee for mental health, chaired by the then Speaker of the House of Representatives Pita Nacuva.
I am also honored to be involved in a group of young, energetic, innovative, dedicated and passionate youth who call themselves “YOUTH CHAMPS FOR MENTAL HEALTH” (YC4MH) which was formed on July 1st, 2008.
YC4MH has recognized the need to advocate for positive mental health for youths in particular and have taken on the challenge of addressing this issue and working together with stakeholders in shaping mental health awareness in the country. We are now working on projects on how we can best create more awareness on Mental Health
The ball is in our court. The ball is rolling and YC4MH is excited and determined to keep the ball rolling and come out full force. We’re here to work and walk towards our vision, complete our mission and fulfill our purpose.
….and that’s a wrap from “…an ego-centric, limelight wannabe, paranoid schizoid mental health consumer"
Name: Gary Karl Charles Rounds
Age: 24
Suva, FIJI
President
Youth Champs for Mental Health
Ph: (679) 3398335
Mb: (679) 9516941
e-mail: groundsique@hotmail.com
website: http://www.bebo.com/groundsique
I was working for Fiji TV as a News reporter after completing high school and like any young person who had managed to land a job fresh out from school, life for me couldn't be more ideal than what it was. After Fiji TV, I left and joined ANZ Bank as a teller. Unfortunately, by this time there were quite a few things that were plaguing my mind.
My surrogate mothers’ demise in 2004 dealt me a massive blow because apart from losing her, I was also dealing with a relationship break-up and having tons of negative thoughts. Without knowing it, I fell into acute depression and I tried to brush it all aside the best way I knew how – by binge drinking and indulging in marijuana. This was coupled with the lack of self worth, hope, faith and hygiene and I began to isolate myself. I thought to myself that if I was ‘wasted’ with alcohol and drugs, these thoughts and feelings would all go away and never bother me again.
I wallowed in self pity and at one point, stayed inside the house for a whole month – just contemplating what had happened in my life. My past was keeping me hostage and I was unable to move forward. I didn’t sleep for four days and when I went to work I just couldn't function. By this time, I was based at the ANZ USP Branch, my manager urged me to seek help. So with the help of the HR manager, I went to visit a psychologist.
This psychologist diagnosed me with Major Depression – a mental illness!!!!!! When I heard the term ‘mental illness’ I suddenly thought of how people would approach, socialize with or even judge me. Unfortunately, judgment by society got to me the most and it fed more to this huge cloud of depression, which hung over my head. I was prescribed Zoloft and Diazepam (tranquilizer and anti-depressant).
My depression was like a tumor growing exponentially in me and because I was so tired of being in a pandemonium I attempted suicide. I overdosed myself with the prescription hoping that when I close my eyes, they would never open again. I literally slept through New Years Day, 2006.
This is the poem that I recited during the Poetry Slam Contest APRIL 4th, 2008enjoy.... it portrays my suicidal attempt and how that affected my life completely
the unfortunate day, i remember
the sharp carving knife, i remember
over the veins of my wrist, i remember
i try to slit but i can't, i remember
i close my eyes, i remember
memories pleasant, memories regretted, i remember
pandemonium in my mind, HAVOC ! ! ! i remember
i begin to scream AHHH ! ! ! AHHH ! ! ! i remember
i cannot forget
...the tears
... ...the mucus
... ... ...the saliva
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dripping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...dropping
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...drooling
i jerk my head from side to side, i remember
death has his hands on my back
transferring his wiles into me, i remember
I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKEN SHIT ANY MORE ! ! ! i remember
diazepam, zoloft in my hand, i remember
bottoms up, down they go, i remember
i lay on my bed, i close my eyes, i remember
praying they never ever open, i remember
three days pass, i remember
i awake, i remember
hands over my face, i begin to cry... ... ...
i'll never forget
Fortunately, I awoke three days later. I was absent from work for weeks and my manager persuaded me to revisit the psychologist. The psychologist made me realize I couldn’t trust myself with my own life. He recommended I be institutionalized.
I never thought in my wildest dream that I would be admitted in St. Giles Hospital. However, looking back, I know that it was the best thing that happened to me for my own good. It took over three months of recovery – occupational therapy, confidence boosting with the help of staff, fellow patients, family and friends. With their support, I realized there was still hope for me in becoming an active member of society again. I was discharged in the beginning of April, 2006.
Unfortunately, I relapsed a year later. I began smoking marijuana and binge drinking and not looking after myself. After my second admission to Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in February, 2007, I left ANZ completely and stayed with a cousin of mine. I was so depressed and paranoid that I stayed home for the better bit of 6 months.
this poem is based on the constant battle that i'm in with regards to my mind...
the poem was recited back friday 13th June, 2008 @ AUSAID Building, Theatre Space, USP Campus during the Poetry Slam Contest
our only hope is that you take heed of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
contemplate on this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
revise this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
be advocates of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
spread the gospel of this message
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
you uneducated, unsympathetic, hypocritical definition
of me and other's like me are:
crazy, wacko, psycho, lialia*, pagla*,
nut, mental, ulukau*, etc, etc
but we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
today, tonight,
we're gonna expose;
..................remove;
..................annihilate;
......this stigma,
......this facade,
......this deception,
..........that perpetuates the discrimination
..........& stereotype definitions
and we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
i'm no doctor;
i'm no psychologist;
i'm no psychiatrist;
i just the voice of another psychiatric survivor shouting
we are gonna keep on walking ! ! !
having crossed to the other side and back,
i now appreciate & acknowledge
...................my mental illness
...................my mental health
...................my sanity
and i'm gonna keep on walking ! ! !
there was this one time, i stayed home for 6 whole months
i was of the thought that people, once they saw me,
...........they'd start gossiping about me
...........spread rumors about me;
...........spread lies about me;
...........laugh about me;
...........laugh at me;
...........tease me;
...........be out to get me;
i was having a static moment
and i couldn't move because of this stigma
..........this mark of shame ! ! !
..........this scarlet letter ! ! !
..........this mark of cain ! ! !
my past was keeping me hostage from my future;
and i couldn't face those challenges in life
but then one day
................one day ! ! !
................one day ! ! !
................and on that day ! ! !
i stepped out of my comfort zone into,
once know,
the world unknown
......and i went for a walk ! ! !
i had to face my enemy;
my enemy is my mind;
and the battlefield is my mind
......so i kept on walking ! ! !
nokonoko rd, jerusalem rd, fletcher rd,
drivers, passengers, all eyes on me
.....but i kept on walking ! ! !
thru bhindi subdivision, grantham rd,
up, down, up milverton rd,
why are you looking at me? stop staring at me
....but i kept on walking ! ! !
rewa st, flagstaff, laucala bay rd,
the odd look, the persevering stare,
the pregnant pause glimpse,
....but i kept on walking ! ! !
and for the first time in my life
i walked from one end of fletcher road to the other
.... and i kept on walking ! ! !
jerusalem rd and all the way home
....i kept on walking ! ! !
and to this very day i am still walking ! ! !
standing here before all of you tonight
....i am still walking ! ! !
yes, i'm a prisoner of my own mind
but my words will set me free
and help you see
that those who are mentally challenged are also human,
....who don't need your curses
....who don't need your judgment
....who don't need your verbal gimmicks
....but they need your acceptance
....they need your love
....and they need your support
i know you have a loved onew
ho is mentally impaired
....who are fringed
....who are shunned
....who are mocked
....who are disrespected
....who are discredited
our only hope is that you take heed of this message
WE ARE GONNA KEEP ON WALKING ! ! !
[*local vernacular terms/gimmicks]
The stigma associated with St. Giles was a huge obstacle I had to overcome. It was a challenging factor in my life. The poem above is obviously about how I found a way both to defeat my depressive and paranoid state and at the same time advocate mental health and let people know that all mental health consumers are not aliens or untouchables. The stigma of mental illnesses results in stereotyping and discrimination. There are members of society who create a barrier of discrimination when they meet or hear of anyone associated with St. Giles.
It’s a sad truth – it needs to be tackled.
I have always had a love for poetry since my days in high school. I figured poetry would be and is an essential medium by which to articulate the message, advocate and reduce the stigma associated with mental health. I take every opportunity to participate in poetry slam contests and take advantage of being under the spotlight and recite my poems which are based on my experiences as well as the journey I’m now taking.
After my first discharge from Saint Giles Psychiatric Hospital in April 2006, I have had the opportunity be part of a documentary that was produced by a friend and co-worker of mine at FIJI TV. The documentary was based on suicide and how it affects everyone both at the grassroots and national level. Twice, I was honored to have talked about my experience to a senate-select committee for mental health, chaired by the then Speaker of the House of Representatives Pita Nacuva.
I am also honored to be involved in a group of young, energetic, innovative, dedicated and passionate youth who call themselves “YOUTH CHAMPS FOR MENTAL HEALTH” (YC4MH) which was formed on July 1st, 2008.
YC4MH has recognized the need to advocate for positive mental health for youths in particular and have taken on the challenge of addressing this issue and working together with stakeholders in shaping mental health awareness in the country. We are now working on projects on how we can best create more awareness on Mental Health
The ball is in our court. The ball is rolling and YC4MH is excited and determined to keep the ball rolling and come out full force. We’re here to work and walk towards our vision, complete our mission and fulfill our purpose.
….and that’s a wrap from “…an ego-centric, limelight wannabe, paranoid schizoid mental health consumer"
Name: Gary Karl Charles Rounds
Age: 24
Suva, FIJI
President
Youth Champs for Mental Health
Ph: (679) 3398335
Mb: (679) 9516941
e-mail: groundsique@hotmail.com
website: http://www.bebo.com/groundsique
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